Takin' the Low Road

As someone who writes a column for my local paper, one of my peeves is when other columnists rattle off a list of anything - usually something along the lines of "Cute Things That Pets Do" or "Looky What I Found in My Medicine Cabinet" - and pass it off as a column. Maybe lists of "Things I Think About In Traffic" is entertaining to some, but I've always thought that type of writing to be a cop-out.

I prefer a story line with all of the essential elements of plot, something that tells readers that I think they're worth the modicum of effort I put into another tale of my dysfunctional family, even if I don't deserve their attention in return. And though I'll probably (okay, never) get Pulitzer or a readership that exceeds Mayberry, I still try to tell a story each time.

But not today.

Today I stoop, because I thought of something funny while I was on my run this morning. And not only is it a list, it's a list involving body humor.

Specifically, balls.

So here goes: Did you know that you can substitute a noun in any soap opera title with 'balls', and it's absolutely freaking hilarious (if you're in seventh grade)???

Just see for yourself:

"Guiding Balls"
"The Balls and the Restless"
"As The Balls Turn"
"Balls Barbara"
"Port Balls"
"Balls Hospital"

I'm peeing, I swear!!! And I dont even watch soap operas!!!

Not only that, but it works for all TV genres. Take shows from the seventies and early eighties:

"Welcome Back, Balls"
"Diff'rent Balls"
"The Balls of Life" OR "The Facts of Balls" (either works)
"Laverne and Balls"
"Happy Balls"
"Joanie Loves Balls" (Jim's contribution)
"W-Balls-RP In Cincinnati"
"Balls in the Family"
"Good Balls"
"The Love Balls"
"Balls Island" OR "Fantasy Balls" (two for one)

and my personal favorite -

"Little Balls on the Prairie"

Why stop there??? Thinking of my own all-time favorite TV shows, I came up with:

"Designing Balls"
"The X Balls"
"Gilmore Balls"
"Balls Exposure" OR "Northern Balls" (another two-fer)
"30 Balls"
"The Golden Balls" (love you, Bea!)

and my soon-to-be brother-in-law's fav Sci-Fi show...

"Balls Hunters"

So, what do you think??? I know there are more. And I also know this is quite juvenile and possibly stupid.

But, really. "King of the Balls" - who doesn't on some level want to spew liquid from their nose at that???

Okay, so that was my little venture to the low road. And you know what? The view from down here's not all that bad...

Especially if you've been "Touched By Balls".