Mom - 1, Tara - 0

First the good news: my biopsy came back normal. Yay!!!! I never suspected it wouldn't but, still. This also means that my doctor was able to get the sample she needed - whew!!! Would've hated to have had my uterus turned inside-out for nothing.

Now for the bad news: my mom was right, and I was - how do I say this? - wrong.

Looks like I have endometriosis.

Not that I mind having endometriosis, because I'm also having a little procedure to cure not only that but every other woe that comes with having two X chromosomes (except for the body-image neuroses and constant worrying over the kids).

I just mind that my mom called it first, and that I disputed her claim with the arrogance of Dick Cheney. Do people still laugh at Dick Cheney???

Anyway, it goes like this:

My doctor pronounces things a little strangely. For every one of my pregnancies and other doctor's visit issues, she talks about something called 'sonometers'. Were these mysterious 'sonometers' related to ultrasounds? Were they a special cervical measurement? What the hell were they? Jim and I have wondered this for years, but never asked for fear of:

A) not wanting to offend her in case it is indeed her speech and

B) not wanting to appear as stupid as we are in case it's not.

"Hey, Docter-Lady, what's that thar thing yoo call a 'centimeter'?? Is that something yoo got from all yer book-lernin'?"

So we've just always left the office figuring the baby will eventually come out, no matter what a 'sonometer' is or how many 'centimeters' I might be.

Turns out maybe I should've asked, because the day I got my biopsy, she tells me, "Sounds like you have the beginning stages of 'ahn-duh-ma-TRO-sis'. That simply means your uterus is growing into your muscle."

I'm a mentally-visual person, meaning that I automatically spell words in my head when I hear them, putting sentences together in an order that has color, shape and texture and is probably understood only by people who have consumed lead paint. So I naturally visualized this new word, 'ahn-duh-ma-TRO-sis'. Red, because it has a strong short 'a' at the beginning, angular with the emphasized 't' at the end, and so forth. But I had never heard of this word before, and had no idea if I was spelling or visualizing it correctly.

I called my mom when I got home to give her the report.

"Hey. She took the biopsy, but thinks I may have this benign condition I've never heard of before. There's a procedure that can be done to relieve it, though, but I have to wait on the biopsy results first."

"Oh, my GOD. What kind of condition???"

"Nothing serious; just very uncomfortable. I can't remember the exact name because it's new to me, but it starts with an 'a' and has an emphsized 't' somehwere towards the end."

"Huh? Well, what else did she say about it?"

"That my uterine lining may be growing into my muscle."

"Oh. That's en-doh mee-treeeeeee OH sus." She has her own way of saying things. Like 'diuh BEE teeeees'.

"No, Mom. I know what endometriosis is. This is something different. It started with an 'a'. I've never heard of it before."

"But en-doh mee-treeeeeee OH sus is when your uterus grows into your muscle. I've had it."

"I know that, Mom. And this just wasn't it. I swear. This sounds similar but is somehow different."

"Are you su..."

"YES, Mom. I heard her say it with my own ears. Now I'm still in pain from the biopsy. I'm going to lie down for a minute. Love you."

Geez - she can be so exhausting when she thinks I don't know what I'm talking about!!!

So I'm out running this morning, thinking the random thoughts that always pop into my head. This time that includes pie, my high school reunion, and my upcoming procedure, because I can really feel the 'ahn-duh-ma-TRO-sis' kicking in. Lord, this can't come soon enough.

And then it hits me.

'Sonometers'.

I think about the definition of endometriosis, which is essentially the uterine lining growing outside of the uterus, like kudzu. Which is exactly what my doctor described to me. I then imagine her trying to pronounce it.

Logially speaking, if 'centimeters' = 'sonometers', then it's likely that...

Yep.

'Endometriosis' = 'ahn-duh-ma-TRO-sis'.

Crap.

I briefly debated never telling my mom this and letting her believe there's this exotic, never-before-heard-of condition I have that's very similar to endometriosis but definitley NOT the same thing. I even toyed with creating a whole new word. But she would eventually want me to spell it for her so she could look it up on the Johns Hopkins website and WebMD. So then I thought of reading up on medical terms and saying I had something else entirely. Anything but admitting...

well, not that I was wrong, but that SHE was right.

NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But alas, I am here, out in the open, saying that I am 99% sure that I am incorrect and that there is no such thing as ahn-duh-ma-TRO-sis. She wins; it's the only logical ending to this story. But considering I don't know how it's spelled, I can't validate that just yet. So there's a teeny-tiny smidge of a chance that I could still be right.

But don't count on it. Not that it matters, anyway, because in a few weeks, it will be gone, Daddy, gone - no matter how it's spelled. Oh, wait - I know!

R-E-L-I-E-F