Amelia Bedelia, You Stupid B*tch

Ooooo- I know that sounds harsh. And maybe I've just reached a truly jaded point of my middle adulthood. I don't doubt that, actually. But, come on! The woman is a true marvel of Darwinism, defying all theories of natural selection and making Forrest Gump look like 'A Beautiful Mind'.

Most everyone is familiar with the children's book housekeeper with a few feathers short in her duster. But if not, she's been around for decades, taking, as my six-year-old says, "everything just a little too seriously."

For instance, the woman can't make pancakes. Okay, I don't really make them, either. But, hell, I know what they ARE. Amelia Bedelia, who for whatever reason gets paid to serve The Rogers, a fifty-something couple, in their well-to-do home, is simply asked to make them pancakes. What does the woman do? Makes a flipping birthday cake and sticks it in a pan. Jeesh.

She is asked to draw the shades. She sketches them. Dust the room - she coats it in bath powder. You get the picture.

This literalism in an adult may be uproarious for some kids. But as my oldest noted when she was about in first grade, "She's kinda stupid. Do they pay her MONEY for that?"

Which brings me to the conclusion that everyone else must be drawing (no, not with a pencil). Is Mr. Rogers boinking her or something?

Think about it - Mrs. Rogers is a dumpy, demanding little thing, apparently unwilling to do the simplest of daily tasks. Makes you wonder what else she's unwilling to do. Also, she's hardly ever around - always at her Garden Club or out spending more of Mr. Rogers' money.

And there's Amelia. Always at home. Often alone. Young, taut, available - and in that French maid's uniform. Plus, she DOES make a kick-ass lemon merengue pie, which is what attracted Mr. Rogers to her in the first place. Maybe she lets him lick her spoon. But the best part about her is...

she is a total dumbass.

Mr. Rogers knows that, obviously, so he takes advantage of the situation, realizing how unassuming the woman is.

"Amelia, dear, could you please come and, uh, 'polish my trophy'? Heh heh, heh..."

Of course, I can't actually imagine that half-wit getting busy with anything other than a light bulb, which she has no clue what to do with so you never know where she might stick it. So that theory might be dead in the water. NO, not literally - I'm not that jaded.

I'm just saying, the van from her group living facility probably picks her up before Mr. Rogers gets home, and thought he signs her checks, it's Mrs. Rogers who lobbies the hardest to keep her around, so she must do something right. For Mrs. Rogers.

So maybe she's good at 'trimming the bushes'. Who knows??? I guess it's really none of my business...