The Secret Life of a Sucker Mom

There was a show on last year - briefly - called "The Secret Life of a Soccer Mom". The premise was that moms who had been entrenched in child care for all of eternity would finally have a chance to break out and do what they had always desired to do in their heart of hearts.

Some women went to design school and created their own fashion labels. Others trained under world-famous chefs and fulfilled their dreams of culinary greatness. These women were as giddy as Goldilocks on her last bowl of porridge. Good for them! But...

Cooking? Who the hell picks that?

No, siree! Were I picked for that show, it would have to air on Pay-Per-View. If producers were to take me out of my stay-at-home, married-for-eleven-years life for a couple of weeks, giving me the green light to do what I most miss -or want- in my life, I assure you I would NOT be sewing frocks or slicing veggies.

Rather, I would...

1) Romp around with as many young, cute guys as could tolerate my droopy belly-button. It's really not all that bad, and chances are they wouldn't be looking at it, anyway...

2) Sit around a bonfire with my closest friends, listening to 'Rocky Mountain Way' while smoking a big fat one. Ahhhh...good times!

3) Use profanities liberally. Except I already do that.

4) Resume my former career as a figure model for a college art class. EASY money, if you're not too shy...

5) Expand my tattoo to where it might possibly be seen peeking out of my bathing suit after all.

6) Start my day with M&M's. Except I already do that, too.

7) Make 4:00 the new 5:00. Oh, my favorite hour of the day!

8) Wait until the new 5:05 to return phone calls from my mother.

9) Have actual money to go out with my friends. Of course, if I modeled, then this wouldn't be a problem...

10) Sleep. At night. And weekend mornings. And on Sunday afternoons. Or whenever.

Now, who wouldn't agree to at least some of these things? And I KNOW that fulfilling this list would be far more interesting to watch than some random capri-pants wearer emulsifying stuff, with the exception of the sleeping. Phone calls with my mother would most definitely be good for ratings.

In fact, I think I'll submit this as my wish list next Christmas.

But if no one slips a session at House of Ink into my stocking, then maybe I'll just go ahead and plan my own show.

The theme song can be 'Rocky Mountain Way'...